FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Company Christmas Party
Company Christmas Party
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
Thought Dan might appreciated this.
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
-
Legacy User
- Posts: 288947
- Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:19 am
I do. And it perfectly illustrates when you try to make everyone happy you get insanity. See Ivy League colleges.
-
Legacy User
- Posts: 288947
- Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:19 am
Dan Smith--BYU wrote:I do. And it perfectly illustrates when you try to make everyone happy you get insanity. See Ivy League colleges.
Those of us teaching at the third rate schools have much tougher skin.
-
Legacy User
- Posts: 288947
- Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:19 am
If grandma spends all day on Christmas Eve and all of Christmas morning preparing a glorious feast, then some bitch comes to dinner and whines about poisoning her kid with gluten, grandma has my permission to pour the boiling basting juice on her head and tell her Christmas dinner is at McDonalds.
Dan Smith--BYU wrote:If grandma spends all day on Christmas Eve and all of Christmas morning preparing a glorious feast, then some bitch comes to dinner and whines about poisoning her kid with gluten, grandma has my permission to pour the boiling basting juice on her head and tell her Christmas dinner is at McDonalds.
Does Micky D's have a gluten free dinner?
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
-
Legacy User
- Posts: 288947
- Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:19 am
I think everything in McDonald's derives from corn in some form including the beef. Maybe there is some in the oil.
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.
In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.
In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
Totally true.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:I think everything in McDonald's derives from corn in some form including the beef. Maybe there is some in the oil.
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.
OK. That's fucking funny.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
-
Thrillsseeker
- Posts: 5518
- Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 11:42 pm
COR-TEN wrote:Totally true.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:I think everything in McDonald's derives from corn in some form including the beef. Maybe there is some in the oil.
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.OK. That's fucking funny.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
Damn right I was dying reading that!
SteelThrillsseeker wrote:COR-TEN wrote:Totally true.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:I think everything in McDonald's derives from corn in some form including the beef. Maybe there is some in the oil.
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.OK. That's fucking funny.Dan Smith--BYU wrote:In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
Damn right I was dying reading that!
I'm related so some of those people, 100% spot on & funny as fuck.
-
JackLambert58
- Posts: 8808
- Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 3:12 pm
- Location: Rhode Island (Behind Enemy Lines)
Dan Smith--BYU wrote:I think everything in McDonald's derives from corn in some form including the beef. Maybe there is some in the oil.
Funny that in a nation that is literally dying from corn derivatives, we have decided to obsess about wheat.
In the absence of true celiac pathology and negative IgA, gluten disease of course is defined by the following criteria:
1. White mother with too much money and free time
2. Watching the View
3. Kid has no special talent so needs a way to be the center of attention
4. Mother who has ignorant friends who encourage this bullshit
5. P-whipped father and narcissistic mother
6. Vaccine avoidance because of Jenny McCarthy
7. Small pet in home who is a companion animal must accompany everywhere with complete disregard to others' dog allergies because their problems don't matter
POST OF THE WEEK!
"Jack Lambert is mean and relentless wherever he goes, on and off the field! I do remember many times he would chase me in practice, but no way would I let him catch me" - Franco Harris
