2025 NFL Draft Review
AFC East
1.) Buffalo Bills:
Round 1 CB Maxwell Hairston, Kentucky
Round 2 DT T.J. Sanders, South Carolina
Round 3 Edge Landon Jackson, Arkansas
Round 4 DT Deone Walker, Kentucky
Round 5 CB Jordan Hancock, Ohio State
Round 5 TE Jackson Hawes, Georgia Tech
Round 6 CB Dorian Strong, Virginia Tech
Round 6 OT Chase Lundt, Connecticut
Round 7 WR Kaden Prather, Maryland
‘Cat Bros
“Whoop-tee-do Basil. What does it all mean???” The selection of Kentucky’s Max Hairston and Deone Walker marks the 3rd time Bills GM Brandon Beane drafted college teammates (Steelers literally do this like every draft). B2B doesn’t get his guy, but this Walker fella has 73 QB pressures since 2023 (2nd among DTs) despite playing with a broken back last season.
Mad Mel Kiper
“Well yeah Beane, I’m just curious, I know you guys just gave Josh Allen basically a billion dollars but was there any consideration…you’re sittin there…my number 1 guy on the board is there in Shedeur Sanders…did it ever cross your mind maybe we go grab this guy and just kinda stash him underneath Josh?” Kudos to Ty Schmitt and his Oz-like powers to know the real Mel Kiper was going to spend draft weekend ranting about Shedeur Sanders.
Max Wasn’t Mad
“English Mother Fucker! Do you speak it?!” Gotta love Bills first round pick Maxwell Hairston. Kid literally hugged every player in the green room after their selection. Then, after posing with ‘ol Roger, not so Mad Max gave a heartfelt interview with designated mic holder Molly McGrath. Broken record I am, but someone needs to teach these kids some basic interviewing skills. Molly is not a “man” she is in fact a wo-man (and a rather attractive one at that).
Clothes Horse
Someone please clue me in on fashion. What’s with the pics sewn into the lining of these kids’ suit coats? Way to ruin an expensive garment. Not so Mad Max and Keon Coleman going to make Macy’s shoppers run for their lives. Get off my lawn indeed.
Cock Lover
Kudos to you if you had TJ as the first Sanders off the board.
Smooth…Like a Seal
I best be careful what I say about Landon Jackson or else Will Smith might smack the shit out of me. Alopecia Assassin drafted to chase down Kermit the Frog (Bad joke in there somewhere, I just can’t find it).
Shout out to Suwanee Elementary
National Champion Jordan Hancock, a former student of mine, a nice day 3 dart throw for the Bills. Tough, versatile kid who can play any position in the secondary. Good luck, Jordan!
Thin Skin
“Woah, calm down Jamal. Don’t pull out the 9.” Bills GM Brandon Beane went off on a couple local radio hosts who were critical of the Bills’ draft. Obviously, I like what the Bills did, or I wouldn’t have ranked them 1st in the AFC East, but questioning the WR position is more than fair game with last years top pick Keon Coleman riding the struggle bus his rookie year.
2.) New England Patriots:
Round 1 OT Will Campbell, LSU
Round 2 RB TreVeyon Henderson, Ohio State
Round 3 WR Kyle Williams, Washington State
Round 3 C Jared Wilson, Georgia
Round 4 S Craig Woodson, California
Round 4 DT Joshua Farmer, Florida State
Round 5 Edge Bradyn Swinson, LSU
Round 6 K Andres Borregales, Miami
Round 7 OT Marcus Bryant, Missouri
Round 7 LS Julian Ashby, Vanderbilt
Round 7 CB Kobee Minor, Memphis
Not the Next Faneca
“Rapoport is reporting the Patriots pick is in so they’re not trading out.” “Yeah, thank God because it’s probably going to be a Hall of Famer.” Sorry Boston Connor, but LSU’s Will Campbell might turn out to be a quality guard but I’m not seeing Hall of Famer. Shortest wingspan measured at the combine since 1999. AND, more notably, got his ass handed to him by several SEC studs including the Alopecia Assassin drafted by the rival Bills.
Love the Drake
No, the British aren’t coming, but the Patriots sure are. I was more than a little critical of the Patriots’ offseason. Flushed with the most cap space in the NFL, new head coach Mike Vrabel purchased little in the way of help for his young franchise qb, Drake Maye. Instead, Vrabes and young stud GM Elliot Wolf wisely used early draft capital to get him some protection and much needed firepower like Buckeye stud TreVeyon Henderson and former Cam Ward weapon, Kyle Williams.
Pedigree
Pats travel back to Athens to replace long time center David Andrews with another Damn Good Dawg in Jared Wilson.
Uncle Miltie
“Even when the son of a bitch was dead, they still had a helluva time putting the top on his casket.” Oh sure it was a nice showcase game for then rookie qb Joe Milton, but his week 18 win against Bills’ backups cost the Patriots the top pick in the draft (and Jerod Mayo his job).
Love Twitter
“Can we talk about the Patriots new long snapper having a better 10 yard split (1.56) than Rome Odunze?”
Whipped
“That cunt is no fucking good.” Easy Morris. I’m 20 years younger than legendary Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick so hell yes, I applaud him for head-boarding a hot chick nearly 50 years his junior. Soooo Bill got hypnotized. We’ve all been there. Bunch of jealous bastards. That’d be incredible are you kidding me??? At that age I’ll be happy if I’m not wearing a diaper.
“Turrible”
To Charles Barkley and everyone else “concerned” about Chapel Bill, I promise you he was MUCH more emasculated losing out on the Falcons job to a man they call “Coach Rah” than any public embarrassment Miss Maine may (or may not) be causing him.
Bullshit
Oh and if you believe those two met on a plane, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell ya.
3.) New York Jets
Round 1 OT Armand Membou, Missouri
Round 2 TE Mason Taylor, LSU
Round 3 CB Azareye'h Thomas, Florida State
Round 4 WR Arian Smith, Georgia
Round 4 S Malachi Moore, Alabama
Round 5 LB Francisco Mauigoa, Miami
Round 5 Edge Tyler Baron, Miami
Protect the King
“The Almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're fucked.” Justin Fields jumped from the frying pan into the fire (or is it the other way around?) Jets wisely spent their 1st round pick on stud OT Armand Membou who did not allow a sack or qb hit in 411 pass blocking snaps last year.
For the Brand
Plum’s Pat McAfee once again gave his boy Aaron Rodgers a pulpit from which to preach. Assuming Aaron’s tale of woe is true and new Jets GM Darren Mougey had him fly cross country to Jets HQ (on his own dime) for a 15 minute meeting to inform Rodgers he won’t be brought back is just next level assholery. New head coach Aaron Glenn and this Mougey character looking like a couple ham ‘n eggers coming out of the gate.
Mad Mel
“Listen I hope Aaron Glenn does great. If Jesus Christ of Nazareth was available right now at #7 I don’t think it fuckin matters at all. The Jets are never going to win the Super Bowl. Boston Connor knows it. This team is just kinda destined to suck forever. They just had a Mt. Rushmore quarterback come and Jesus Christ what he win 4 or 5 games there? Ok let’s draft a tackle that’s really gonna put us over the edge.”
Ode to Dwight Stone
The Georgia wide receiving corps had an NCAA record 500 drops this past season. Concrete, cement, brick, and yes stone all fitting descriptors for the hands of the ringleader of that crew, Arian Smith. Worst hands I’ve ever seen in 5 decades of watching football, but sure burn a 4th round pick on him. Shit-off stupid.
4.) Miami Dolphins:
Round 1DT Kenneth Grant, Michigan
Round 2 OG Jonah Savaiinaea, Arizona
Round 5 DT Jordan Phillips, Maryland
Round 5 CB Jason Marshall Jr., Florida
Round 5 S Dante Trader Jr., Maryland
Round 6 RB Ollie Gordon II, Oklahoma State
Round 7 QB Quinn Ewers, Texas
Round 7 DT Zeek Biggers, Georgia Tech
Weird Little Fella
“Bold men make bold statements.”- Massive Genius. I predict this is Mike McDaniel’s last season as Dolphins’ head coach. The Phins haven’t won a playoff game since 2000, and this strange little man doesn’t appear to be any closer than Mike Tomlin to ending his team’s drought.
Mad Mel
“Well, I think you’re looking at another team in the AFC East that can’t get it right. You look at the Jets, you look at the Dolphins. Shit this team couldn’t win a Super Bowl with Dan Marino? You kidding me? You know they got so many holes on the roster it’s kind of you close your eyes and throw at the dart board and whoever it lands on you can say yeah we need this guy to improve our football team.”
Speed Kills
No, it doesn’t.
Biggers is Better
“It’s not the size that matters.” Tell that to Tech’s Zeek Biggers and the 3 other behemoths the Phins drafted. That’s nearly a full ton of much needed beef to bolster the lines.
Sunshine State
“Here’s Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast. How’s the weather look, Ollie?” “Not too bad.” Ollie Gordon a solid day 3 dart throw for the (overly) speed reliant Dolphins. Everyone is looking for the next Derrick Henry, but Ollie here ain’t it.
Leave Bambi Alone
Longhorns QB Quinn Ewers turned down MILLIONS in NIL money to enter the draft for like 800K (or roughly what the Ewers family paid the taxidermist for all the heads on their wall). I’ll never understand the hunting culture (or Texas).
AFC North
1.) Baltimore Ravens
Round 1 S Malaki Starks, Georgia
Round 2 Edge Mike Green, Marshall
Round 3 OT Emery Jones Jr., LSU
Round 4 LB Teddye Buchanan, California
Round 5 OT Carson Vinson, Alabama A&M
Round 6 CB Bilhal Kone, Western Michigan
Round 6 K Tyler Loop, Arizona
Round 6 WR LaJohntay Wester, Colorado
Round 6 Aeneas Peebles, Virginia Tech
Round 6 CB Robert Longerbeam, Rutgers
Round 7 OG Garrett Dellinger, LSU
Of Course They Did
“With the 27th pick in the NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Malachi Starks, safety, Georgia.” DAMMIT!
Out with the Old, in with the New
“With the 59th pick in the NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Mike Green, defensive end, Marshall.” DAMMIT!! Justin Tucker might be gone, but the Ravens’ drafted a kindred spirit (allegedly).
No Means No
If God is a woman, I know of at least a few Ravens (past and present) that are going to be in for a rough afterlife. Ravens all in on winning a Super Bowl for Lamar…moral compass be damned.
Rivalry?
“Nope, I’m sure of it. I hate him.” RIP Val. Fucking Rats. What used to be the greatest rivalry in the NFL is about to become VERY one sided. Ravens lapping the Steelers from facilities to brain-trust. No front office I respect more than the Ravens. Another fantastic draft orchestrated by GM Eric Decosta. Five 6th round picks??? All those kids can play.
2.) Pittsburgh Steelers
Round 1 DT Derrick Harmon, Oregon
Round 3 RB Kaleb Johnson, Iowa
Round 4 Edge Jack Sawyer, Ohio State
Round 5 DT Yahya Black, Iowa
Round 6 QB Will Howard, Ohio State
Round 7 LB Carson Bruener, Washington
Round 7 CB Donte Kent, Central Michigan
Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood
“Aaron Rodgers don’t gotta worry about a darkness retreat in Pittsburgh cause Duquesne Light got him covered.” – Pittsburgh Dad. Man, I hope the Howard kid can play. Had a helluva a playoff run enroute to winning the Natty. Dig him.
Undercover Aa-rod
“You got on a hoodie, sunglasses, hat on, Malibu…you’re an attention whore! The people of Pittsburgh will respect you’re drivin’ around in a ‘Bu, brother.” McAfee on his 3rd cup of coffee is still damn funny to me.
Mad Mel
“…If you’re a Steelers fan you better pray to God…you better pray to Allah… you better pray to whoever the fuck you pray to that Aaron Rodgers shows up into town…because listen Tone…you can wax poetic say whatever you want… if you go into next season with Mason Rudolph as your quarterback the Steelers are absolutely fucked.” Amen
Old Billy Joel
“Captain Jack will get you high tonight and take you toooo your special island...” Your Steelers are hoping Captain Jack takes them to a Super Bowl, but as an OLB? I don’t see it. Several players left on the board I liked better. Still, culture counts y’all (Stick that flag up your ass, heathen scUM!)
Field of Dreams
“This is my corn. You people are guests in my corn.” Hate to break it to the Iowa kids, but being drafted by the Steelers is a far cry from Heaven or even Iowa for that matter.
More Nepotism
Easiest pick in the annual SteelerFury mock draft contest? Carson Bruener. Joins the Steelers 30 years after his dad was a 1st round pick way back in ’95.
Lazy Steeler Scouts
YOUR beloved Steelers went nearly all Big Ten completely ignoring MY beloved SEC. The same SEC that just set a draft record with 79 players drafted shattering their own previous record of 65. Goooo Hawkeyes!
Better Call Saul(s)
“The only way that car is worth $500 is if there’s a $300 hooker in it.” Steelers’ MVP Chris Boswell isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but Pitt’s Ben Sauls well worth a UDFA flier.
3.) Cincinnati Bengals
Round 1 Edge Shemar Stewart, Texas A&M
Round 2 LB Demetrius Knight Jr., South Carolina
Round 3 OG Dylan Fairchild, Georgia
Round 4 LB Barrett Carter, Clemson
Round 5 OT Jalen Rivers, Miami
Round 6 RB Tahj Brooks, Texas Tech
Mad Mel
“You know I don’t know who the pick is, I haven’t looked, I’m not a sack of shit like Schrags. I’m not going to tip picks. I’m not going to do that, but If it’s a guy like Mike Green I love that pick…you’re shaking your head no…it’s not Mike Green…whoever it is though I am curious does that open the door for them to kick Trey Hendrickson’s ass out?”
Wrecking Crew?
AP Tone Digs :“If he puts it altogether YES I am afraid of Shemar Stewart, he’s an absolute athletic combine freak. He put up the exact same numbers as Miles Garrett at the combine running a 4.59 40 and ’41 vertical at 6’5 270…”
Schrags: “I talked to GMs and the big knock against Stewart was production. Only 4.5 sacks in 3 years that’s not good.
Mad Mel: “THAT’S PITIFUL!”
Worked a Lemonade Stand
“Opposing lineman entered the Texas Tech backfield so quickly, running back Tahj Brooks opened a lemonade stand to help pay his way through college.”
Doesn’t Work in a Bank
Cocks linebacker Demetrius Knight worked as a Door Dash driver even after games to help support his family
Midnight Train to Cincinnati
In addition to being a Door Dash driver, ‘ol Demetrius is cousins with former NFL corner DeAngelo Hall as well as R&B legends Gladys Knight and Aretha Franklin. File this under shit only interesting to me.
4.) Cleveland Browns
Round 1 DT Mason Graham, Michigan
Round 2 LB Carson Schwesinger, UCLA
Round 2 RB Quinshon Judkins, Ohio State
Round 3 TE Harold Fannin Jr., Bowling Green
Round 3 QB Dillon Gabriel, Oregon
Round 4 RB Dylan Sampson, Tennessee
Round 5 QB Shedeur Sanders, Colorado
Mad Mel
“Absolutely love him, I mean he’s tenacious. You know there’s no two ways about it he’s a mean cuss. I think that gets thrown around a lot, but this guy is an absolute junkyard dog. Love the pick but as Schrags alluded to it we didn’t see it coming…I do question whether or not the Browns know what the fuck they’re doing.” I question that too, Mad Mel. Mason Graham a safe pick but the Browns should’ve stayed put and selected the best player in the draft, Travis Hunter.
The Yinzer
Mike McCarthy: “Sounds like you have a problem with Cleveland. What are you from Pittsburgh?”
Mad Mel: “You know coach, a defensive tackle is great, but don’t you need a fucking quarterback?!”
Shitter Was Full
Mom Judkins answered Cleveland’s “welcome to the Browns” phone call because her son Quinshon was busy answering nature’s call. Judkins and fellow stud Dylan Sampson should form a dynamic, Lions-like duo for the rival Stains.
Jimmy Clausen Says, “Hi”
Before completely losing what’s left of his mind, The REAL (mad) Mel Kiper compared Shedeur Sanders to Dan Marino, John Elway, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady only to watch him slide to round 5. Time to hang ‘em up, Mel.
Louis Riddick
“The draft has spoken.” Translation? STFU MEL!
Weird stat
“Shedeur Sanders is the first player in college football history to have his number retired and not be selected in the 1st round five days later.”
More Twitter Gold
“The NFL is retiring #144 in honor of Shedeur Sanders.”
Gold Medal Winner
Browns 3rd round pick Dillion Gabriel (you read that right) will win a gold medal in flag football in the 2028 Olympic games to be held in Los Angeles. Book it, Dano.
AFC South
1.) Jacksonville Jaguars
Round 1 WR/CB Travis Hunter, Colorado
Round 3 CB Caleb Ransaw, Tulane
Round 3 OG Wyatt Milum, West Virginia
Round 4 RB Bhayshul Tuten, Virginia Tech
Round 4 LB Jack Kiser, Notre Dame
Round 6 LB Jalen McLeod, Auburn
Round 6 S Rayuan Lane III, Navy
Round 7 C Jonah Monheim, USC
Round 7 RB LeQuint Allen, Syracuse
Nails on a Chalkboard
Arik Armstead: “First off, DUUUUUVAAAL!”
Mad Mel: “There’s nobody from Jacksonville here”
Ty Schmitt is an American Treasure.
Mad Mel
“Obviously had Travis Hunter very, very, high up on my board. I would just like to make a little caveat to what Schrags said regarding Paul DePodesta. The only reason the Browns have to play money ball is because Jimmy Haslam gave out the worst fucking contract in the history of the NFL but that’s beside the point. Travis Hunter obviously a dog both ways. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a red flag, but some people worry is this guy a little too focused on the Fortnite, but that’s a discussion for a different day.” Relax, Mad Mel. With Hunter and should’ve been a Steeler, Brian Thomas, the Jags should light up the scoreboard this year.
Ode to KC
Hokie speedster Bhayshul Tuten is cousins with former Steelers’ RB Issac Redmon. While not as entertaining as the “Cotch Watch” we can all appreciate KC’s affinity for “his guys.”
Stuntin’ Like My Daddy
Thankfully I have kids, or I’d be lost on pop culture. Someone named “Lil Wayne” kicked off draft night with the Packers training camp tradition of riding bikes with (drunk) Roger on stage in the Lambeau Field parking lot. Apparently, this “Lil Wayne” fella was filling in for Coach Prime to be with Travis Hunter on his big night. Too bad Deion didn’t know Shedeur would fall to day 3 or he too could’ve been there to join in the dancin’ and bike ridin’ fun.
Fuck Them Picks
Bold men indeed. Trading up for Collins Hill HS stud Travis Hunter was James Gladstone’s first big swing as Jags general manager and one that seems to be straight out of Les Snead’s “Fuck Them Picks” playbook. The 34-year-old Gladstone worked under Snead for nine years in Los Angeles.
2.) Houston Texans
Round 2 WR Jayden Higgins, Iowa State
Round 2 OT Aireontae Ersery, Minnesota
Round 3 WR Jaylin Noel, Iowa State
Round 3 CB Jaylin Smith, USC
Round 4 RB Woody Marks, USC
Round 6 S Jaylen Reed, Penn State
Round 6 QB Graham Mertz, Florida
Round 7 DT Kyonte Hamilton, Rutgers
Round 7 TE Luke Lachey, Iowa
R-O-N Approval Pending
Texans set a draft record for “Jaylens” (and a Jayden). Luke? Graham?? C’mon, do better y’all.
Ames, Iowa
Must be a helluva little town for Iowa St head coach Matt Campbell to not leave for greener pastures. Dig stud GM Nick Caserio double dipping on Cyclone WRs. I was a year off on the Texans. THIS year, they’ll compete for the Lombardi-ish.
Joquavious (Somebody check on R-O-N)
“Ride like the wind, Bullseye!” Named after “Woody” from the classic Pixar Toy Story movies, this Marks fella could be just the weapon CJ Stroud needs to rebound from his sophomore slump.
Drinkin’ a Pina Colada
“…and his hair was perfect.” Trader Nick and the Texans did something in the 2025 NFL draft that no other team did: They traded all their original picks, and used only picks that they had acquired in trades. Houston drafted nine players, and all nine of those picks were acquired in trades.
3.) Indianapolis Colts
Round 1 TE Tyler Warren, Penn State
Round 2 Edge J.T. Tuimoloau, Ohio State
Round 3 CB Justin Walley, Minnesota
Round 4 OT Jalen Travis, Iowa State
Round 5 RB DJ Giddens, Kansas State
Round 6 QB Riley Leonard, Notre Dame
Round 6 DT Tim Smith, Alabama
Round 7 LB Hunter Wohler, Wisconsin
Thunderdome Approved
McAfee: “The Colts are on the clock and from what I’m readin’ on the internet I want to raise a cup to the Shane Steichen offense…adding an absolute Dog from the tight end position out of THE Pennsylvania State University. Cheers to the Colts getting better and to all dreams coming true here in beautiful Green Bay, Wisconsin! Here’s to you Mike McCarthy!”
Mad Mel: “Yeah this is an unbelievable pick for the Colts…you say 44 Dallas Clark I agree but maybe get used to 14… he might be in that quarterback competition because we don’t know about these other quarterbacks…we saw him take snaps under center as a quarterback running, throwing, I mean this guy’s a 5 tool player. Absolute steal for the Indianapolis Colts.”
Tough Love
Before every football game, Riley Leonard’s mom sends him a text saying, “You suck.” Leonard said of the texts, "It started in high school, I was tired of everybody telling me how good I was all the time. I needed someone to tell me I suck every once in a while to give me some motivation." Mom might need to up her text game to “You REALLY suck” if Riley hopes to make it in the NFL.
4.) Tennessee Titans
Round 1 QB Cam Ward, Miami
Round 2 Edge Oluwafemi Oladejo, UCLA
Round 3 S Kevin Winston Jr., Penn State
Round 4 WR Chimere Dike, Florida
Round 4 TE Gunnar Helm, Texas
Round 4 WR Elic Ayomanor, Stanford
Round 5 OG Jackson Slater, Sacramento State
Round 6 (CB Marcus Harris, California
Round 6 RB Kalel Mullings, Michigan
SUZANNE SUCKS PUSSY!
“She’s a dyke! I KNOW! I KNOW!” New Titans GM Mike Borganzi kicked off day 3 by drafting Florida’s Chimere Dike, a shifty fella that Cam Ward can count on in the clutch.
The Goddess Mina
“NFL draft Day 3 is for the sickos. Let's lock in, my freaks.” Ohhh yeah. No doubt Mina Kimes is a sicky. You won’t convince me otherwise.
Shedeur, Shedeur, Shedeur
Hey dumb-fucks, Cam Ward was the top pick in the draft. Maybe you heard of him? I’ve been watching the draft since 1987, and I can’t ever recall hearing the top pick of the draft discussed less than Cam Ward.
Hellmanns
Calvin Ridley is one happy Titan. “It will be so great for him to not have to try to catch footballs covered in mayonnaise anymore.” In 2024, Ridley led all NFL wide receivers with 60 deep targets. Now, he is paired with Ward, who had the fourth-most completions in college last season on passes of 20-plus air yards.
AFC West
1.) Las Vegas Raiders
Round 1 RB Ashton Jeanty, Boise State
Round 2 WR Jack Bech, TCU
Round 3 CB Darien Porter, Iowa State
Round 3 OG Caleb Rogers, Texas Tech
Round 3 OT Charles Grant, William & Mary
Round 4 WR Dont'e Thornton Jr., Tennessee
Round 4 DT Tonka Hemingway, South Carolina
Round 6 DT JJ Pegues, Mississippi
Round 6 WR Tommy Mellott, Montana State
Round 6 QB Cam Miller, North Dakota State
Round 7 LB Cody Lindenberg, Minnesota
Mad Mel
“I absolutely love Ashton Jeanty. You look at him he’s built like a God damn Greek God…looks like an Adonis…Massive caboose on that guy”
Mocking McCarthy
“Coach you love big asses at explosive positions.” Pat is polarizing for sure, but I find the subtle shots he takes hysterical.
Fantasy Goodness
Some unsolicited fantasy stats from your Uncle Drama: Since 2012, five of the seven RBs drafted inside the top 10 averaged at least 19 touches per game as rookies. And all five of those seven finished as top seven backs in PPG. Translation? Draft Ashton Jeanty early and often.
RIP Tiger Bech
Tiger’s brother Jack, as a freshman led the LSU team in receptions…a team that included Malik Nabers, Brian Thomas, Jr, and Kayshon Boutte, Kid can play. I absolutely love what crooked nose Pete and new GM John Spytek are building out in the Vegas desert
Yellowstone
"I’d rather kill a thousand men than shoot another horse." Dig me some Montana and the Dakotas. I’ll make it out there someday. North Dakota State’s narrow victory over rival Montana St gave them their tenth…that’s 10th…FCS championship in 14 seasons. Clearly the Raiders were in attendance. Drafted both teams’ qbs within two picks of each other. Montana State’s Tommy Mellot and his 4.39 40 could be a “Slash” like weapon for the upstart Raiduhs.
Ode to Thornton Melon
“You have no class Thornton and I’m tired of it” “Oh, yeah? Vanessa, let's talk about class for a minute, alright? Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room. A little classy, isn't it? Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room. Another classy one. Ooh, this one I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio... What's with the midget over here?” At 6’5 Vol WR Donte Thornton is no midget. Thornton’s 4.30 40 is the fastest ever recorded for WR over 6’3 beating Brian Thomas’ 4.33 from last year. Thornton and Megatron (4.35) are the only 6’5 WRs on the list.
Your Ass is Itchy (literally)
Pete Carroll either had a Charlie Horse or a dingleberry throughout draft weekend. No lie, every time ESPN cut to the Raiders’ draft room crooked nose Pete was waddling around pickin’ at his hinder. File this under “shit” only interesting to me.
2.) Kansas City Chiefs
Round 1OT Josh Simmons, Ohio State
Round 2 DT Omarr Norman-Lott, Tennessee
Round 3 Edge Ashton Gillotte, Louisville
Round 3 CB Nohl Williams, California
Round 4 WR Jalen Royals, Utah State
Round 5 LB Jeffrey Bassa, Oregon
Round 7 RB Brashard Smith, SMU
Mad Mel
“Absolutely love this pick… I mean we need Mahomes to be that guy again. I’m sick and tired them mix and matchin trying to get a guy out there… I mean let’s protect the guy! We know what he can do when he is upright, when he’s healthy…they’ve been trying to figure this out for a couple years now. This feels like the pick that might finally put the nail in the coffin and maybe they have their left tackle for the next 10-15 years.” Mad Mel’s not wrong. If he’s fully recovered from a nasty patellar tear, Josh Simmons could finally fix Fat Andy’s OL problem
D-But
“This guy’s a furniture mover” More creative than people mover, I guess.
Texans Missed a Jalen
Twitter’s Warren Sharp told me Utah St WR Jalen Royals had the fastest ten yd split in this WR class. Great day 3 dart throw by Fat Andy and the Chefs.
Oh, ohh, Ozempic
Mike McCarthy was overly enamored with the number of teams building up their trenches in round 1. But the big fella wasn’t wrong, 18 of 32 1st round pick were trench players (probably a record. I’m too tired to look it up).
3.) Los Angeles Chargers
Round 1 RB Omarion Hampton, North Carolina
Round 2 WR Tre Harris, Mississippi
Round 3 DT Jamaree Caldwell, Oregon
Round 4 Edge Kyle Kennard, South Carolina
Round 5 WR KeAndre Lambert-Smith, Auburn
Round 5 TE Oronde Gadsden II, Syracuse
Round 6 OG Branson Taylor, Pittsburgh
Round 6 S R.J. Mickens, Clemson
Round 7 CB Trikweze Bridges, Florida
CTE
Jimmy Harbs said his selections of Omarion Hampton, Tre Harris, and Oronde Gadsen will put Justin Herbert in the Hall of Fame. How about he wins a playoff game or two first there Jimbo.
My Head Hurts
Only thing harder than tracking the transfer portal is keeping up with the relatives of all these kids. Former Penn State WR Keandre Lambert Smith is the nephew of former Seahawks’ great Kam Chancellor.
Century 21
I try not to veer too far from football, but if I may briefly offer some real estate advice to Najee Harris it would be this; Might want to consider renting out in LA instead of buying. Barring injury, Omarion Hampton will be the Chargers best back since LT.
4.) Denver Broncos
Round 1 CB Jahdae Barron, Texas
Round 2 RB RJ Harvey, UCF
Round 3 WR Pat Bryant, Illinois
Round 3 Edge Sai'vion Jones, LSU
Round 4 Edge Que Robinson, Alabama
Round 6 P Jeremy Crawshaw, Florida
Round 7 TE Caleb Lohner, Utah
Orange Crush
The Denver Broncos defense is coming off a monster 2024 campaign, leading the NFL in sacks (63), breaking a 40-year-old franchise record. Now the Broncos have just a sick secondary with Surtain, Riley Moss, and 1st rounder Jahdae Barron.
More Fantasy Goodness
Sean Payton had taken only three RBs before Day 3 in his career as a head coach: Reggie Bush, Mark Ingram, and Alvin Kamara. RJ Harvey makes four. Warren Sharp told me Harvey will be running behind the #1 offensive line in run-block win rate last year. You’re welcome.
The Joker
I don’t watch much basketball, but it’s pretty obvious, the Denver Nuggets have the best player on the planet in Nikola Jokic. The Denver Broncos now have a basketball player too. 6’8 Power Forward Caleb Lohner had 57 career snaps at TE for the Utes (Travis Hunter had 134 snaps in one game). Payton looking for his next Jimmy Graham.
He’s no Rodney
“Not sure what that was supposed to be. Comedy is hard.” I agree Reece. While announcing the Broncos pick of Jeremy Crawshaw, Youtuber Kurt Tocci tried complementing Green Bay’s hospitality before reminding them of John Elway’s helicopter TD in Super Bowl win over Pack. Day 3 of the draft is a tough watch. Just announce the picks and roll the highlights. Rinse/Repeat
Grumpy old men
“Hey Dickhead! Why don’t you do the world a favor?! Pull your lip over your head and swallow! At age 61, Sean Payton is the youngest coach in what should be a very competitive AFC West.
NFC East
1.) Dallas Cowboys
Round 1OG Tyler Booker, Alabama
Round 2 Edge Donovan Ezeiruaku, Boston College
Round 3 CB Shavon Revel Jr., East Carolina
Round 5 RB Jaydon Blue, Texas
Round 5 LB Shemar James, Florida
Round 6 OT Ajani Cornelius, Oregon
Round 7 DT Jay Toia, UCLA
Round 7 RB Phil Mafah, Clemson
Round 7 DT Tommy Akingbesote, Maryland
Draft Guru Wannabee
Pat: “Schrager had Booker mocked to the Dallas Cowboys, how’d you know?”
Schrags: “Everybody told me I was stupid. Let me take a moment here, let me flex, let me do something we used to do in about 2014 let me DAB a little bit. My mock sucks right now but I got this one right…I’m back on the train…LET’S GO! C’MON!” We can agree on one thing, Peter, you are stupid. Just sit there and swing your foot some more ya half a meatball.
Mad Mel
“Absolutely love the pick… you look at him 6’6 325 he’s BIG son of a bitch obviously. The thing that really put him over the top and got this done we heard the clip from last year…Jerry knew how big his hog was and that’s what tipped it over the edge.”
AJ Hawk! AJ HAWK! AJ HAWK!
Just sit on the set, nod and flex. Sign me up for that gig.
More Pat Shots
McCarthy: I mean Zach (Martin), he’s a yellow jacket all the way through…a man who played at a high level for a long time.”
Pat: “Yellow jacket not gold, huh?”
McCarthy: “It can be whatever color you want Pat it’s your show…”
Night shift
“As we sit here and idly chat, there are women, female human beings, rolling around in strange beds with strange men, and we are making money from that?” “Is this a great country or what?!” Cowboys stole the talented, but oft injured, Shavon Revel in round 3. Four years ago, kid was going to Louisburg college by day and loading boxes onto trucks at an Amazon warehouse by night. Good story of perseverance. Hope the kid makes it.
Bye George
…And no, I don’t think he’s got it. Good luck in Dallas ya crazy bastard. It’s really no surprise that since 2021, the Cowboys haven’t had a single receiver other than Ceedee Lamb reach 700 receiving yards. Assuming he doesn’t go full AB, that streak should end with the addition of the uber talented George Pickens.
2.) New York Giants
Round 1Edge Abdul Carter, Penn State
Round QB Jaxson Dart, Mississippi
Round 3 DT Darius Alexander, Toledo
Round 4 RB Cam Skattebo, Arizona State
Round 5 OT Marcus Mbow, Purdue
Round 7 TE Thomas Fidone II, Nebraska
Round 7 CB Korie Black, Oklahoma State
Mad Mel
“You know personally I probably would’ve taken Shedeur Sanders, I don’t know if Russell Wilson or Jameis Winston or Tommy Devito… Tommy Cutlets… I don’t know if they’re going to get the job done, but Abdul Carter is absolutely unbelievable. You look at the elite bend around the edge, explosive, he’s built like a brick shithouse. You mentioned the playoffs he’s tougher than a 2 dollar steak. Tough to miss on this kinda kid.”
Sissy La-La
“Yeah it makes no sense… Shedeur is the number 1 player on my big board. I think he’s the best player in this draft bar none, best quarterback certainly in this draft bar none but if you look at a guy like Jaxson Dart… obviously, he’s got all the intangibles, laser/rocket arm, moves well in the pocket, can run around a little bit, but I think the Giants are also looking at the marketing opportunities here. Imagine the amount of t-shirts you could sell. Hey, ‘Smoke those Darts’… ‘Light up those Darts’…that matters in New York, that matters in the big city.” Mad Mel, you slay me. Million dollar t-shirt idea aside, on no planet would I draft Jaxson Dart in round 1, let alone trade back in to draft him. I want my quarterback to have that gunslinger mentality, not melting down, hysterically crying on the sidelines after a couple bad picks.
Your Ass is Itchy
“Have you given any thought to your future, son?” “Thooought?” Not sure what 24/7 Sports was thinking ranking Giants’ 7th round pick Thomas Fidone the 2022 top TE recruit ahead of Brock Bowers. I’m tellin y’all, don’t sleep on the Raiders. Some fun players on that team.
Golf Cart Safety
I interrupt this NFL Draft Review with an important public service announcement regarding golf cart safety. Tragedy snuck its ugly head into the draft headlines with the shocking news of John Elway’s friend and agent dying after falling off their golf cart. Giants’ rookie RB Cam Skattebo not only runs over defenders, but also fellow golfers (allegedly) while he’s driving the cart. I, myself, while drunk cart driving tried a hockey stop coming down hill on a par 3, causing my buddy Steve C to fall from the cart, tearing his pectoral muscle right off his sternum. He needed cartilage from a pig to reattach it. Steve C went on to become an accountant up in NYC. He was there during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. After witnessing that devastation, Steve C wanted to help capture Bin Laden, so he applied to the FBI and several other government agencies. Every agency failed his physical because of the injury he sustained falling off the cart I was driving that fateful day. Steve C has since been in the DEA for over 20 years. Thankfully, we’re still longtime friends and he didn’t sue me (Skattebo not so lucky). Keep it in the fairway my fellow golfers, both the ball…and the cart.
3.) Philadelphia Eagles
Round 1LB Jihaad Campbell, Alabama
Round 2 S Andrew Mukuba, Texas
Round 4 DT Ty Robinson, Nebraska
Round 5 CB Mac McWilliams, UCF
Round 5 LB Smael Mondon Jr., Georgia
Round 5 C Drew Kendall, Boston College
Round 6 QB Kyle McCord, Syracuse
Round 6 OT Myles Hinton, Michigan
Round 6 OT Cameron Williams, Texas
Round 6 Edge Antwaun Powell-Ryland, Virginia Tech
Mad Mel
“Coach you’ve obviously went against him a couple times, what do you think of the job Coach Siriani has done? All last year, getting killed by the media saying hey, they need to fire this fuckin clown, this guy’s a moron. He was getting killed all season and he just keeps goin, keeps staying the course and wins the Super Bowl…” I personally can’t stand the arrogant Siriani and his toolbox bodyguard, Big Dom, but hard to argue their success.
Crimson Jihad
“Do you know what this is?” “I know what this is. It’s an expresso machine. No wait, it’s a snow cone maker. Is it a water heater?” Classic Swarzenegger. Jihad Campbell, he of the Crimson Tide (not a fictional terrorist group) had the most tackles for the Tide in a season since Demeco Ryans in 2003. Campbell is one of 3 players with over 100 tackles and less than ten missed tackles. The Eagles ended up making a much more economical move than my transplant hometown Falcons, giving up a fifth-round pick to move up from No. 32 to No. 31 to take their guy Campbell. Roseman said Campbell was a Top 10 player on his board. Stud player AND GM. Dig it.
More Howie Goodness
Hokie edge rusher Antwaun Powell- Ryland had the 2nd most sacks per game in the county. His 33.5 TFL was 2nd most in the country over the last two years behind only Abdul Carter. His 25.5 sacks last two years is the most in the country. Howie reloads, he doesn’t rebuild.
Givin the Dawg a Bone
“She’s no Mona Lisa, no playboy star…” Howie only drafted one Bulldog this year, LB Smael Mondon. Potential grand larceny pick pared with Campbell. Anyway, Ohio State led the way this year with 14 players drafted but 3 transferred into Ohio State from other schools. Georgia had 45 players drafted since 2022 only 3 of those started their career at other schools. File that under shit only interesting to ‘Dawg fans like me.
People are Stupid
Damn racist NFL not drafting Shedeur. Also, trending... ZERO white cornerbacks were drafted in the 2025 NFL Draft. Only 5 albino jackrabbits have been drafted in the last 30 years Future HOF GM Howie Roseman got a good one in Cooper Dejean last year (Jason Sehorn, Troy Apke, Dustin Fox, and Riley Moss the others).
4.) Washington Redskins
Round 1OT Josh Conerly Jr., Oregon
Round 2 CB Trey Amos, Mississippi
Round 4 WR Jaylin Lane, Virginia Tech
Round 6 LB Kain Medrano, UCLA
Round 7 RB Jacory Croskey-Merritt, Arizona
Cheese-Heads
Mad Mel: “…Also understanding what you have in Jayden Daniels. This guys a generational talent. They went out and traded for Laremy Tunsil one of the best left tackles in the NFL…as Pat eats the Wisconsin white cheddar the crowd goes absolutely apeshit… looks delicious...15 years aged…top notch…They love cheese!”
Pat: “So you’re tellin me that the cow, milk thing, was 15 years ago??? And now I’m eatin this?”
AJ Hawk: “Cheese is like wine. That should be like $9000 worth of cheese there…”
Mad Mel: “THEY PASTEURIZE IT, MORON! Don’t you know anything about dairy farming?! Jesus Christ!”
Crowd: “PASS THE CHEESE! PASS THE CHEESE!”
Boston Connor: “FUCK YOUR CHEESE! CHEESE SUCKS! SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!
Crowd: “CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE!”
Boston Connor: “OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO OFFER SOCIETY IS CHEESE, THEN YOUR TOWN SUCKS!”
Bad Day at the Office
After watching the viral video of Josh Conerly getting his ass handed to him by Mike Green down in Mobile, I made a snap judgement that he sucked. Stud ‘Skins GM Adam Peters obviously disagreed making Conerly their 1st round pick and bookend to Laremy Tunsil.
NFC North
1.) Chicago Bears
Round 1 TE Colston Loveland, Michigan
Round 2 WR Luther Burden III, Missouri
Round 2 OT Ozzy Trapilo, Boston College
Round 2 DT Shemar Turner, Texas A&M
Round 4 LB Ruben Hyppolite II, Maryland
Round 5 CB Zah Frazier, UTSA
Round 6 OG Luke Newman, Michigan State
Round 7 RB Kyle Monangai, Rutgers
Drip God
“I am a visionary. I am a revolutionary. I am Seth freakin Rollins!" I don’t know about “Kings of the North” there Seth, but Caleb Williams will surely look to build on his first win at Lambeau with an overhauled OL and the best damn head coaching hire I’ve seen in a long time.
Mad Mel
“I do absolutely love Colston Loveland had him a little bit lower on my big board than Tyler Warren. What I’m most excited about though is now for the next 5 months we’re going to hear about how the Bears are going to win the fucking Super Bowl. That’s the best pick ever, we might as well cancel the rest of the draft, there’s no reason to do it. That goofball Ben Johnson… you saw the video of him walking into Halas Hall lookin like a fuckin goofball…I just don’t know…I do wish him the best of luck and I do love the Colston Loveland pick though.’
Just Say No
Luther Burden going to use his signing bonus money to buy some new teeth for his family. Yikes. Meth is one bad drug.
Going Off the Rails
“I know that things are going wrong for me, you gotta listen to Drama’s words…” Things aren’t going wrong for Bears GM Ryan Poles. Dude’s on quite the heater this offseason. Poles, a former Boston College guard, went back to Chestnut Hill to draft BC OT Ozzy “Jackal” Trippilo (whose parents were HUGE Black Sabbath fans). Both of my aunts were nuns at Boston College, but I’m quite sure they never “barked at the moon.”
Pope Leo
“Chicago got a Pope before they got a 4,000 yard passer.”
Shemar Turner
“I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.” “Which one is it?” “It’s the one that says Bad Motherfucker.”
More Fantasy Goodness
During Ben Johnson’s tenure as Detroit’s offensive coordinator from 2022-2024, the Lions ranked eighth in TE fantasy points. Over that same span, Lions tight ends combined for 32 receiving touchdowns, tied for second most in the NFL. So, when Johnson said that he sees a lot of similarities between Sam LaPorta and Colston Loveland…
2.) Green Bay Packers
Round 1 WR Matthew Golden, Texas
Round 2 OT Anthony Belton, N.C. State
Round 3 WR Savion Williams, TCU
Round 4 Edge Barryn Sorrell, Texas
Round 5 Edge Collin Oliver, Oklahoma State
Round 6 DT Warren Brinson, Georgia
Round 7 CB Micah Robinson, Tulane
Round 7 OG John Williams, Cincinnati
Overdue for a Haircut
“I just got off the phone with President Trump...My fellow Americans…THE BEARS STILL SUCK!” Good one, Clay. I chuckled. A little.
Mad Mel
“If they don’t fuckin pick this guy? I’m going to throw this microphone as far as I fucking can! I understand the Packers history ok they don’t necessarily need the 1st round guy they’ve had a lot of success picking guys in the 2nd round. I’ll just be frank with you they’ve done a lot of work on the offensive line. I don’t want them to pick another fucking offensive lineman. I don’t need another plug and play guy. Jordan Morgan hey great pick last year PLAYED 3 FUCKING GAMES! 3 FUCKING GAMES! I wanted them to get Cooper Dejean and what did he do? OH HE HAD A PICK 6 IN THE SUPER BOWL so he had a pretty good fucking year. So if Matthew Golden is there GO GET HIM! GO GET HIM!”
Tsetse Fly
“Silence is fucking golden” Nothing silent about Ty Schmitt’s rant for his beloved Packers to draft their first wide receiver since 2002 (Javon Walker). To put that into perspective, 2002 is so long ago that Matthew Golden wasn’t even alive then.
Sprechen Sie Deutch?
“The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.” “The GAWD DAMN GERMANS GOT NOTHIN’ TO DO WITH IT!” Holy International, NFl. Germany sure must dig them some NFL football. Announce the pick, roll some highlights, next pick.
Mad Mel
“This is fuckin awesome being in Green Bay…being in Coach’s bar earlier. Shit, if I would’ve told 21 year old me when the Packers won the Super Bowl when I was in college holy fuckin shit I would’ve smacked the taste out of my mouth. This has been an incredible night. The fans here have been unbelievable all night. I’m gonna drink 100 booze cocktails whenever we get back.”
3.) Detroit Lions
Round 1DT Tyleik Williams, Ohio State
Round 2 OG Tate Ratledge, Georgia
Round 3 WR Isaac TeSlaa, Arkansas
Round 5 OG Miles Frazier, LSU
Round 6 Edge Ahmed Hassanein, Boise State
Round 7 S Dan Jackson, Georgia
Round 7 WR Dominic Lovett, Georgia
Foxy
“…Most importantly this guy’s gonna be a dog. Brad Holmes finds dogs.” Enough of the “DOG” already. Such an overused word. ‘DAWG should only be used in reference to Georgia Bulldogs.
Mad Mel
“Without a doubt that “loud pack” is still rollin through the skies here in Green Bay. GO LOUD PACK GO! I’m feelin a little bit intoxicated…obviously gotta make sure the hair is perfectly quaffed it’s getting a little late. Listen, Tyleik Williams great pick, great player, little bit of a stretch I think. I had him little bit further down on my board, but we talked about the Lions this is the kind of stuff of they do. You get him in their with Dan Campbell he’s going to be a great player unfortunately that’s just the way it works.”
The Shedeur Rant Continues
Pat: “Mad Mel with these last 4 picks do you think we’ll see any brain busters? You’re hair looks great by the way.”
Mad Mel “Thank you very much…I’m going to be shocked if someone doesn’t come up and get Shedeur Sanders…doesn’t look like it’s going to happen…I don’t know what all these fuckin morons are thinkin…again I’ve grinded this kid’s tape…he’s unbelievable…he’s the best quarterback in the draft class. I’m shocked he hasn’t gone yet and I don’t think it’s going to happen unfortunately.”
With Apologies to Mad Mel
Best hair of draft weekend goes to NFL Network’s Sarah Walsh. Gorgeous head of hair. “What? What Happened? Wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores weren’t any hooter…hotter than they are.”
All Charged Up
Arkansas rookie WR Issac Teslaa was GM Brad Holmes favorite receiver in the draft. The Lions’ skill positions are just filthy. I know they were gutted by injuries last season, but I think the Lions are my way too early Super Bowl favorite.
Undying Devotion
“Coach, I will die for you. I just want you to believe in me. I will die on that field for you. I promise I would!” Dan Campell and rookie DE Ahmed Hassanein are going to be best friends. Kid only starting playing football 6 years ago, after spending most of his life in Egypt. Only D-lineman in the draft to have back to back 15+ TFL loss seasons.
4.) Minnesota Vikings
Round 1 OG Donovan Jackson, Ohio State
Round 3 WR Tai Felton, Maryland
Round 5 DL Tyrion Ingram-Dawkins, Georgia
Round 6 LB Kobe King, Penn State
Round 6 TE Gavin Bartholomew, Pittsburgh
Schools that the University of Maryland (6) had more 2025 NFL draft selections than:
Penn State (5)
South Carolina (5)
Va Tech (5)
Colorado (4)
Tennessee (4)
Auburn (3)
Clemson (3)
Texas A&M (3)
USC (3)
Florida St (2)
Oklahoma (2)
NFC South
1.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Round 1 WR Emeka Egbuka, Ohio State
Round 2 CB Benjamin Morrison, Notre Dame
Round 3 CB Jacob Parrish, Kansas State
Round 4 Edge David Walker, Central Arkansas
Round 5 Edge Elijah Roberts, SMU
Round 7 WR Tez Johnson, Oregon
Mad Mel
“Yeah I love it. I wanted this guy really fucking bad so I’m a little upset right now…but yeah wanted him for the Packers. He’s not a fucking diva. Diggs just mentioned all the guys he played with…he never bitched, never pouted, never hit the transfer portal never said fuck this I’ll go to Jerkoff State and be the number one guy for 200 grand…” Emeka Egbuka finished his National Championship season as Ohio State’s all time receptions leader and a four time All Big Ten selection. Still think LSU is WR U, but that could change when Carnell Tate and phenom Jeremiah Smith enter the league.
Landed On His Feet
Four years ago, Baker Mayfield was playing quarterback for one of the worst organizations in pro sports while living in the Browns stadium (assuming those Progressive commercials were true). Now? He’s got arguably the best receiving corps in football, while the Browns have more quarterbacks than seats in their stadium.
One needs an Ozempic Double Shot
The Bucs officially drafted the LIGHTEST and signed the HEAVIEST players in NFL history (Tez Johnson 154, Des Watson 464). Watson a big ‘ol Tug Boat in the middle. The Tush Push Antidote.
2.) New Orleans Saints
Round 1OT Kelvin Banks Jr., Texas
Round 2 QB Tyler Shough, Louisville
Round 3 DL Vernon Broughton, Texas
Round 3 S Jonas Sanker, Virginia
Round 4 LB Danny Stutsman, Oklahoma
Round 4 CB Quincy Riley, Louisville
Round 6 RB Devin Neal, Kansas
Round 7 TE Moliki Matavao, UCLA
Round 7 (Edge Fadil Diggs, Syracuse
Mad Mel
That’s why I love this pick for Derek Carr because his shoulder isn’t attached to his body right now. You need to protect the guy because who knows who’s going to be taking snaps this year. I don’t think this year really matters anyway. You’re not hiring Kellen Moore and expecting him to win the division. Hey listen pal go 2-15 then next year we’ll get Arch to come back and take over and run some scramble plays but I love this pick. We saw Kelvin Banks play, mean cuss, big son of a bitch. You wanna talk about big honking cabooses? This guy/s got one.”
Sour Milk
“I’m tired of it! Puke! Blah! All the time , puke!” “You’re a goalie, you’re supposed to be like that.” Banks infant son puked on him following his selection to the Saints (Even a baby knows the Saints suck).
That’s Not My Name, Quarterback!
“Everyone has that name on the tip of their tongue, Tyler Sluck?”- Mike Francesa. Saints shocked the football world when they passed on Shedeur Sanders for Tyler Shough, the soon to be 27 year old qb out of Louisville.
Smoke Show
ESPN’s camera cut away as ‘ol Tyler had his hand WAY UP his stunning girlfriend’s thigh. Murphy, Tyler’s Golden Retriever, stole the celebration. however. Even wore a Saints bandana during the interview.
Fhough it
Tyler Slough committed to Oregon in 2017. The Ducks’ head coach that season was Willie Taggert. NIL and the transfer portal so jacked up. Just root for the helmet.
3.) Carolina Panthers
Round 1 WR Tetairoa McMillan, Arizona
Round 2 Edge Nic Scourton, Texas A&M
Round 3 Edge Princely Umanmielen, Mississippi
Round 4 RB Trevor Etienne, Georgia
Round 4 S Lathan Ransom, Ohio State
Round 5 DT Cam Jackson, Florida
Round 5 TE Mitchell Evans, Notre Dame
Round 6 WR Jimmy Horn Jr., Colorado
TMAC
“I think he’s better than Drake London, the way he plays on tape is more like Justin Jefferson.” High praise from Greg Cosell (too high).
Another Public Service Announcement
Someone tell Lathan Ransom not to hurt anybody during this week’s rookie minicamp.
Summer Breeze
Blowin the jasmine of my mind, indeed. The next tackle Trevor Etienne breaks will be his first. Gentle breeze knocks that guy down.
4.) Atlanta Falcons
Round 1 Edge Jalon Walker, Georgia
Round 1 Edge James Pearce Jr., Tennessee
Round 3 S Xavier Watts, Notre Dame
Round 4 S Billy Bowman Jr., Oklahoma
Round 7 OT Jack Nelson, Wisconsin
Shit-off Stupid
“That’s a helluva an organization they’re running up there. Can’t imagine why they haven’t won a pennant in 15 years.” In their 58 seasons as an NFL franchise, Jalon Walker is the first Georgia player the Falcons have EVER selected in the 1st round. Walker is one of 8 players across FBS to play at least 300 snaps at OLB, 200 snaps at ILB, 50 snaps at the slot. STUD.
Mad Mel
“You look at this Falcons defense, they went out and got Judon obviously, but their pass rush it wasn’t worth two squirts of piss…you can equate it, add it up however the hell you want it doesn’t matter if he’s a player.” Mad Mel right to like James Pearce, but he was wrong…Falcons’ pass rush only worth one squirt of piss.
“Wow! Holy Schnikes!
“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass!” Cowherd a toolbox, but his Tommy Boy-like reaction to the Falcons trade up for James Pearce is not wrong. Embattled Atlanta GM Terry Fontenot gave up WAY too much to move back into round 1 to grab his second lightweight pass rusher.
Jerky Boys
“…And then I wake up from sedation with my pants unbuttoned, dripping blood. I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum when I’m driving my cab. You gotta help me!” Somebody gotta help Jax Ulbrich and his frat buddy up their prank calling game. Weak sauce, boys.
NFC West
1.) Seattle Seahawks
Round 1 OG Grey Zabel, North Dakota State
Round 2 S Nick Emmanwori, South Carolina
Round 2 TE Elijah Arroyo, Miami
Round 3 QB Jalen Milroe, Alabama
Round 5 DL Rylie Mills, Notre Dame
Round 5 WR Tory Horton, Colorado State
Round 5 FB Robbie Ouzts, Alabama
Round 6 OG Bryce Cabeldue, Kansas
Round 7 RB Damien Martinez, Miami
Round 7 OT Mason Richman, Iowa
Round 7 WR Ricky White III, UNLV
Bring Out the Hook
“I spoke to a GM who said he’d be shocked if Zabel didn’t go in the top 20 that’s pretty high praise for an interior lineman out of NDST and once again I had him going there in my mock draft! LETS GO! DAB FOR IT! DAB FOR IT!” Ummm hey Pete? Nobody gives a flying fadoodle fart about you or your mock. ESPN should’ve left you and your shaking foot back at GMFB. Seems like a swell fella, but keep him off my draft coverage now and forever.
The Longest Yard
“He’s going to kill some land just like he does D-linemen I respect that!” McAfee impressed that zero star recruit Grey Zabel used his NIL money to buy 250 acres of land to plant corn next to his parents farm.
Mad Mel
“Yeah well I hope he’s great at football because a lefty pitcher throwing low 90’s could’ve fucking made 350 million dollars playing major league baseball…you get a fucking hayseed from North Dakota whose gotta mean streak and wants to go out there and eat nails for breakfast…I hope this kid pans out because it looks like he just turned down a Hall of Fame baseball career after being a top 5 pick in the MLB draft.” Zabel a hefty lefty pitcher in high school. File that under shit only interesting to me (and Mad Mel).
Slash
Former Seahawk Shaun Alexander announced the selection of his nephew and fellow Bama stud Jalen Milroe. I’m biased, but I see Lamar Jackson. Always the best athlete when he steps on the field, let Milroe be “Slash” while waiting on Sam Darnold to fall flat on his face.
Round 7?
“You serious, Clark?” Board favorite Damien Martinez is one tough interior runner. His 4.4 yds after contact #2 only to Ashton Jeanty. Only 8.2% of his runs were stuffed #1 in class. 6.7 YPC on run between the tackles #2 in class. Grand Larceny pick for Seattle.
2.) Arizona Cardinals
Round 1DT Walter Nolen, Mississippi
Round 2 CB Will Johnson, Michigan
Round 3 Edge Jordan Burch, Oregon
Round 4 LB Cody Simon, Ohio State
Round 5 CB Denzel Burke, Ohio State
Round 6 OG Hayden Conner, Texas
Round 7 S Kitan Crawford, Nevada
Mad Mel
“I’ll tell you what Schrags if they do take him, I’m going to walk off this set, down to the trailer and I’m going to smack you in the fucking mouth ok. I thought you had a little bit more respect for the game…” Smack him Mad Mel, Smack him!
Mad Mel
“I kinda love it, but I don’t know about D-line, but you gotta get after guys like Brock Purdy, you gotta get after Matthew Stafford. We’ll see what Sam Darnold does in Seattle you gotta get after that guy…you mentioned it Pat every year the Cardinals start off 3-0 then they get their asses kicked then go on a little slide.” Walter Nolen and Jordan Burch a couple firebreathers. ‘Cards another team on the come.
3.) Los Angeles Rams
Round 2 TE Terrance Ferguson, Oregon
Round 3 Edge Josaiah Stewart, Michigan
Round 4 RB Jarquez Hunter, Auburn
Round 5 DT Ty Hamilton, Ohio State
Round 5 LB Chris Paul Jr., Mississippi
Round 7 WR Konata Mumpfield, Pittsburgh
Sliding Down the Pole
“Mr. Valentine? You said you were a fireman.” Yes, that’s correct.” “Do you have two jobs, because my dad says you’re also a butt pirate.” Dig that Sean McVay and the Rams held their draft at the LAFD Air Operations Headquarters rather than a beach house. Classy move.
Pooh
Ole Miss LB Chris Paul is the only Power 5 LB with a 78+ PFF grade in all categories, Run, Coverage, Pass Rush.
Rounder
“Like my uncle Les used to say ‘When the money is gone, it's time to move on’ So enjoy it, you secret handshaking assholes” Rams GM Les Snead just bent over my transplant hometown Falcons, fleecing them for their next year’s 1st round pick to drop back into round 2.
4.) San Francisco 49ers
Round 1 Edge Mykel Williams, Georgia
Round 2 DT Alfred Collins, Texas
Round 3 LB Nick Martin, Oklahoma State
Round 3 CB Upton Stout, Western Kentucky
Round 4 DT CJ West, Indiana
Round 4 WR Jordan Watkins, Mississippi
Round 5 RB Jordan James, Oregon
Round 5 S Marques Sigle, Kansas State
Round 7 QB Kurtis Rourke, Indiana
Round 7 OG Connor Colby, Iowa
Round 7WR Junior Bergen, Montana
More Trenches for McCarthy
Dig the ‘9ers top two picks. Mykel a ‘Dawg (not a dog) and Big Alfred Collins will transform their defensive line. CJ West is also a stud in the middle. He’s also just the 9th DT to weight at least 315 and run sub 5.0 40 since 2003.
One Last Gem from Schrags:
”Robert Saleh had his 8th kid in between all that with his wife Sarah…8th kid! So congrats to Bob Saleh, congrats on the sex! LET’S GO!”
…And on that note. I’m out.
Thanks as always for reading. Please comment on the drafts you like and those you don’t. Hopefully your beloved Steelers find their starting quarterback by June minicamp be it Rodgers or Cousins. On pins and needles I’m not.
